Icon Facebook Icon Google+ Icon Twitter Icon Share Icon Reblog
21 posts tagged IT GOT BETTER

jeremiahsmysteriosotouch:

gallusrostromegalus:

aerialsquid:

forthegothicheroine:

Reason #1000 why we need Muppet Dracula: To see Miss Piggy as Mina getting super into vampiric seduction by Uncle Deadly as Dracula until she realizes he’s the one who tormented Kermit as Jonathan at which point she just fucking punts him through the window.

Also Gonzo as Renfield enjoying himself too much.

Nominations for the One Human in Muppet Dracula:

-Hugh Jackman reprising his role as Van Helsing
-Mel Brooks reprising his role as Van Helsing

I’d like to put in my vote for Anthony Hopkins as Van Helsing. But like, it’s all 3 of them. Brooks, Jackman, and Hopkins, all switching out as Van Helsing everytime the camera cuts, and nobody says anything except for ONE gag where they tag each other out onscreen mid-line

taxicabinmemphis:

yourgeekysister:

justlookatthosesausages:

sulemania:

maxximoffed:

Marvel Comics #1000: We’re Calling Him Ben

image

I feel this is an important addition. He saves so many people on a regular basis that this just keeps happening. And he feels so much for his uncle that the answer is always the same.

Imagine how all those parents love and respect Spider-Man so much that they kept the promise to keep secret what they think is his real name, and the name Ben becomes super widespread to the point it makes statistics super weird

Sometimes two couples at the park are watching their kids play and overhear that their children are called the same and give each other The Look™️

Random Dad, upon meeting someone else who named their kid Ben: So, you too huh??

Other Dad: Yep.

The Moms, after being cryptic af after saying they needed to name their kids Ben: *side eyes*

just imagine tho…if a villain were to leak spidey’s identity, all these mom’s would come to his aid. “peter parker? that can’t be right, his name is ben!” and every mom in the area supports the statement.

ritavonbees:

dastardly-lemondrops:

raptured-night:

dreamlogic:

kiwisoap:

cctinsleybaxter:

skippercifer:

skippercifer:

skippercifer:

Wait those English bastards in Harry Potter were allowed to keep tawny owls as pets right??? AND BRING THEM INTO IRELAND??????????

JK Rowling is the anti-St Patrick she’s here to spead imperialist propaganda and disrupt owl ecology

image

We have something new for her callout file; get whoever’s in charge of that on the phone

image

Never thought I’d say this but folks we may need a new harry potter book

As someone who has spent time with professional ornithologists and has seen people make 500-mile trips to see a Single Species Of Hummingbird i can say without a single doubt that wizards being discovered cus they keep bringing their nonnative birds places is a completely realistic scenario

i’m imagining a bunch of very confused ornithologists trying to research the appearance of non-native owls in scotland, but they keep getting turned around by hogwarts’ anti-muggle defenses and it’s this endless cycle of

“well, we know that within this few mile radius of undisturbed highlands, there are massive concentrations of owls that Should Not Be Here. we know the owls are here, we know where they hunt and approximately where they return to roost but we just. we jsut. can’t find a SINGLE fucking nest??? anywhere?????? every owl we tag has their tracker malfunction RIGHT HERE but whenever i investigate i somehow end up back home in my slippers with a cup of tea.”

@somuchanxietysolittletime

I love this so much I almost want to put it in my project

Normal Beasts and Where You Absolutely Should Not Find Them

star-otocinclus:

brawltogethernow:

thetransintransgenic:

silencinq:

gunpowderplotandtreason:

aceslytherpuff:

brawltogethernow:

brawltogethernow:

muchymozzarella:

iloe:

iloe:

do the spiderverse kids all have. slightly different meme cultures

miles: look I can fit my whole fist in my mouth

gwen: freaky flexing. but alright

miles:

miles, through his fist: I’m sorry what did you just say

ok but remember Peter B’s world is most like ours

 so both Miles and Gwen would have slightly off memes and distress him when he has a hard enough time remembering his own world’s memes

I WAS HOPING SOMEBODY WOULD POINT THIS OUT.

Miles: It’s “strange flex but cool beans.”
Peter: Am I tripping on something? Is this a stroke, is this what a stroke feels like?

Miles: *makes a mistake* This is distressing. Siri play Take on Me.

Gwen: you absolute heathen. It’s ‘This is tragic, google play All Star.’

Peter: whAT the fUCK

THAT’S IT THIS ONE IS THE BEST ONE

noir: strange flaunt, but alas

Noir:

image

You’ve done it - you found something that fits the format but holds the meaning “fuck Nazis”.

spiderham: hmm disappointing, jukebox play what’s new pussycat

stu-pot:

ciiriianan:

sadoeuphemist:

writing-prompt-s:

Temples are built for gods. Knowing this a farmer builds a small temple to see what kind of god turns up.

Arepo built a temple in his field, a humble thing, some stones stacked up to make a cairn, and two days later a god moved in.

“Hope you’re a harvest god,” Arepo said, and set up an altar and burnt two stalks of wheat. “It’d be nice, you know.” He looked down at the ash smeared on the stone, the rocks all laid askew, and coughed and scratched his head. “I know it’s not much,” he said, his straw hat in his hands. “But - I’ll do what I can. It’d be nice to think there’s a god looking after me.”

The next day he left a pair of figs, the day after that he spent ten minutes of his morning seated by the temple in prayer. On the third day, the god spoke up.

“You should go to a temple in the city,” the god said. Its voice was like the rustling of the wheat, like the squeaks of fieldmice running through the grass. “A real temple. A good one. Get some real gods to bless you. I’m no one much myself, but I might be able to put in a good word?” It plucked a leaf from a tree and sighed. “I mean, not to be rude. I like this temple. It’s cozy enough. The worship’s been nice. But you can’t honestly believe that any of this is going to bring you anything.”

“This is more than I was expecting when I built it,” Arepo said, laying down his scythe and lowering himself to the ground. “Tell me, what sort of god are you anyway?”

“I’m of the fallen leaves,” it said. “The worms that churn beneath the earth. The boundary of forest and of field. The first hint of frost before the first snow falls. The skin of an apple as it yields beneath your teeth. I’m a god of a dozen different nothings, scraps that lead to rot, momentary glimpses. A change in the air, and then it’s gone.”

The god heaved another sigh. “There’s no point in worship in that, not like War, or the Harvest, or the Storm. Save your prayers for the things beyond your control, good farmer. You’re so tiny in the world. So vulnerable. Best to pray to a greater thing than me.”

Arepo plucked a stalk of wheat and flattened it between his teeth. “I like this sort of worship fine,” he said. “So if you don’t mind, I think I’ll continue.”

“Do what you will,” said the god, and withdrew deeper into the stones. “But don’t say I never warned you otherwise.”

Arepo would say a prayer before the morning’s work, and he and the god contemplated the trees in silence. Days passed like that, and weeks, and then the Storm rolled in, black and bold and blustering. It flooded Arepo’s fields, shook the tiles from his roof, smote his olive tree and set it to cinder. The next day, Arepo and his sons walked among the wheat, salvaging what they could. The little temple had been strewn across the field, and so when the work was done for the day, Arepo gathered the stones and pieced them back together.

“Useless work,” the god whispered, but came creeping back inside the temple regardless. “There wasn’t a thing I could do to spare you this.”

“We’ll be fine,” Arepo said. “The storm’s blown over. We’ll rebuild. Don’t have much of an offering for today,” he said, and laid down some ruined wheat, “but I think I’ll shore up this thing’s foundations tomorrow, how about that?” 

The god rattled around in the temple and sighed.

A year passed, and then another. The temple had layered walls of stones, a roof of woven twigs. Arepo’s neighbors chuckled as they passed it. Some of their children left fruit and flowers. And then the Harvest failed, the gods withdrew their bounty. In Arepo’s field the wheat sprouted thin and brittle. People wailed and tore their robes, slaughtered lambs and spilled their blood, looked upon the ground with haunted eyes and went to bed hungry. Arepo came and sat by the temple, the flowers wilted now, the fruit shriveled nubs, Arepo’s ribs showing through his chest, his hands still shaking, and murmured out a prayer. 

“There is nothing here for you,” said the god, hudding in the dark. “There is nothing I can do. There is nothing to be done.” It shivered, and spat out its words. “What is this temple but another burden to you?”

“We -” Arepo said, and his voice wavered. “So it’s a lean year,” he said. “We’ve gone through this before, we’ll get through this again. So we’re hungry,” he said. “We’ve still got each other, don’t we? And a lot of people prayed to other gods, but it didn’t protect them from this. No,” he said, and shook his head, and laid down some shriveled weeds on the altar. “No, I think I like our arrangement fine.”

“There will come worse,” said the god, from the hollows of the stone. “And there will be nothing I can do to save you.”

The years passed. Arepo rested a wrinkled hand upon the temple of stone and some days spent an hour there, lost in contemplation with the god.

And one fateful day, from across the wine-dark seas, came War.

Arepo came stumbling to his temple now, his hand pressed against his gut, anointing the holy site with his blood. Behind him, his wheat fields burned, and the bones burned black in them. He came crawling on his knees to a temple of hewed stone, and the god rushed out to meet him.

“I could not save them,” said the god, its voice a low wail. “I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so so sorry.” The leaves fell burning from the trees, a soft slow rain of ash. “I have done nothing! All these years, and I have done nothing for you!”

“Shush,” Arepo said, tasting his own blood, his vision blurring. He propped himself up against the temple, forehead pressed against the stone in prayer. “Tell me,” he mumbled. “Tell me again. What sort of god are you?”

“I -” said the god, and reached out, cradling Arepo’s head, and closed its eyes and spoke.

“I’m of the fallen leaves,” it said, and conjured up the image of them. “The worms that churn beneath the earth. The boundary of forest and of field. The first hint of frost before the first snow falls. The skin of an apple as it yields beneath your teeth.” Arepo’s lips parted in a smile.

“I am the god of a dozen different nothings,” it said. “The petals in bloom that lead to rot, the momentary glimpses. A change in the air -” Its voice broke, and it wept. “Before it’s gone.”

“Beautiful,” Arepo said, his blood staining the stones, seeping into the earth. “All of them. They were all so beautiful.”

And as the fields burned and the smoke blotted out the sun, as men were trodden in the press and bloody War raged on, as the heavens let loose their wrath upon the earth, Arepo the sower lay down in his humble temple, his head sheltered by the stones, and returned home to his god.

Sora found the temple with the bones within it, the roof falling in upon them.

“Oh, poor god,” she said, “With no-one to bury your last priest.” Then she paused, because she was from far away. “Or is this how the dead are honored here?” The god roused from its contemplation.

“His name was Arepo,” it said, “He was a sower.”

Sora startled, a little, because she had never before heard the voice of a god. “How can I honor him?” She asked.

“Bury him,” the god said, “Beneath my altar.”

“All right,” Sora said, and went to fetch her shovel.

“Wait,” the god said when she got back and began collecting the bones from among the broken twigs and fallen leaves. She laid them out on a roll of undyed wool, the only cloth she had. “Wait,” the god said, “I cannot do anything for you. I am not a god of anything useful.”

Sora sat back on her heels and looked at the altar to listen to the god.

“When the Storm came and destroyed his wheat, I could not save it,” the god said, “When the Harvest failed and he was hungry, I could not feed him. When War came,” the god’s voice faltered. “When War came, I could not protect him. He came bleeding from the battle to die in my arms.” Sora looked down again at the bones.

“I think you are the god of something very useful,” she said.

“What?” the god asked.

Sora carefully lifted the skull onto the cloth. “You are the god of Arepo.”

Generations passed. The village recovered from its tragedies—homes rebuilt, gardens re-planted, wounds healed. The old man who once lived on the hill and spoke to stone and rubble had long since been forgotten, but the temple stood in his name. Most believed it to empty, as the god who resided there long ago had fallen silent. Yet, any who passed the decaying shrine felt an ache in their hearts, as though mourning for a lost friend. The cold that seeped from the temple entrance laid their spirits low, and warded off any potential visitors, save for the rare and especially oblivious children who would leave tiny clusters of pink and white flowers that they picked from the surrounding meadow.

The god sat in his peaceful home, staring out at the distant road, to pedestrians, workhorses, and carriages, raining leaves that swirled around bustling feet. How long had it been? The world had progressed without him, for he knew there was no help to be given. The world must be a cruel place, that even the useful gods have abandoned, if farms can flood, harvests can run barren, and homes can burn, he thought.

He had come to understand that humans are senseless creatures, who would pray to a god that cannot grant wishes or bless upon them good fortune. Who would maintain a temple and bring offerings with nothing in return. Who would share their company and meditate with such a fruitless deity. Who would bury a stranger without the hope for profit. What bizarre, futile kindness they had wasted on him. What wonderful, foolish, virtuous, hopeless creatures, humans were.

So he painted the sunset with yellow leaves, enticed the worms to dance in their soil, flourished the boundary between forest and field with blossoms and berries, christened the air with a biting cold before winter came, ripened the apples with crisp, red freckles to break under sinking teeth, and a dozen other nothings, in memory of the man who once praised the god’s work on his dying breath.

“Hello, God of Every Humble Beauty in the World,” called a familiar voice.

The squinting corners of the god’s eyes wept down onto curled lips. “Arepo,” he whispered, for his voice was hoarse from its hundred-year mutism.

“I am the god of devotion, of small kindnesses, of unbreakable bonds. I am the god of selfless, unconditional love, of everlasting friendships, and trust,” Arepo avowed, soothing the other with every word.

“That’s wonderful, Arepo,” he responded between tears, “I’m so happy for you—such a powerful figure will certainly need a grand temple. Will you leave to the city to gather more worshippers? You’ll be adored by all.”

“No,” Arepo smiled.

“Farther than that, to the capitol, then? Thank you for visiting here before your departure.”

“No, I will not go there, either,” Arepo shook his head and chuckled.

“Farther still? What ambitious goals, you must have. There is no doubt in my mind that you will succeed, though,” the elder god continued.

“Actually,” interrupted Arepo, “I’d like to stay here, if you’ll have me.”

The other god was struck speechless. “…. Why would you want to live here?”

“I am the god of unbreakable bonds and everlasting friendships. And you are the god of Arepo.”

lastxleviathan:

actuallyalivingsaint:

petitstar:

aniseandspearmint:

janothar:

misscrazyfangirl321:

wakeupontheprongssideofthebed:

writing-prompt-s:

You’re a regular office worker born with the ability to “see” how dangerous a person is with a number scale of 1-10 above their heads. A toddler would be a 1, while a skilled soldier with a firearm may score a 7. Today, you notice the reserved new guy at the office measures a 10.

You decide it’s best to find out what you can about this person. Cautiously, you approach his desk. He’s a handsome man, tall, but with a disarming smile. How could such a friendly guy with such cute, dorky glasses be dangerous?

You extend your hand. “I noticed you’re new here. What’s your name?”

He shakes your hand warmly. His gaze is piercing, as if he’s looking right through you. “The name’s Clark,” he says. “So, how long have you worked for the Daily Planet?”

This one wins.

It’s been a few weeks, and one of Clark’s friends shows up.  She’s pretty and all, enough muscle that she must work out.  First thought would be that she should be maybe a 6.

Clark’s introducing her around.  “This is my good friend, Diana, she’s in from out of town.”

You blink, and take a step back in fear.  You’ve never seen an 11 before.

The day Bruce Wayne shows up for his long promised interview with Lois Lane, you can’t help it, the mug your holding drops from your fingers and sends a shock of hot coffee and ceramic shards across the floor.

Clark stops a few feet away and squints at you worriedly from behind those ridiculous glasses you’re 99% sure he doesn’t actually need, and asks tentatively, “Everything all right?”

You ignore him in favor of staring at the inky dark numerals hovering over the beaming fool gesticulating some fantastic yacht story for a gaggle of secretaries and minor columnists.

That’s it. Your gift has officially gone haywire. There is no other explanation. Because there is absolutely no way that Brucie Wayne is a 10.

At this point, you’ve seen it all. Miled manner reporters and billionaires at a 10 and a model-like woman at 11. You were really starting to doubt your power. The day you really stopped believeing in it was when Bruce Wayne came for another visit, and this time with a kid. The kid couldn’t be more than 10 years old, a bit on the short side.

He was an 8.

The day you started believing in it again was when you saw on tv the formation of something called the justice league.

There were those same numbers over superman, batman, wonder woman and robin. That’s when you put two and two together. You wonder how nobody at the daily planet noticed that Clarke was Superman with glasses. You wonder why you didn’t notice. You wonder why nobody put two and two together that Diana Prince and Wonder Woman looked exactly the same. You look in the mirror as the realization hit you and you see your own number change from a 3 to a 9.

This got better.

mariana-oconnor:

laurathia:

kat8noghosts:

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

animatedamerican:

zero0000:

dreadpiratemary:

septimusprime:

thesanityclause:

twelvemonkeyswere:

prongsmydeer:

The most hilarious thing about the fact Buckbeak had a trial and lost is that later on JKR resolves the issue by having Hagrid take him in again and renaming him Witherwings. That’s literally all it took. What if in POA, Hagrid simply said, “Sorry, Buckbeak flew away.” 

“There’s a hippogriff right there, Hagrid.”

“A different hipprogriff.”

“I’m… pretty sure that’s the same hipprogriff.”

“Prove it.” 

no dna tests we die like scientifically underdeveloped societies

Prisoner of Azkaban continues to be the most frustrating book

Someone should have just adopted Sirius and started calling him Gerald.

Remus: Erm… this is our new order member, my… cousin Gerald. Gerald White.

“Mr. Lupin that is Sirius Black with glasses!”
“Oh come now Minister, Sirius Black doesn’t wear glasses. That wouldn’t make sense.”
“Well have Mr. White take off his glasses then!”
“He can’t he needs them to see.”

it got better

It’s honestly a miracle to me that wizarding society doesn’t collapse every other week because like

You’ve got this world full of people who can destroy whole buildings or turn people into beetles or make vehicles fly just by waving a stick at them

And there is literally no common sense

Anywhere to be found

Voldemort would never have had anyone find out he was back if he just went around calling himself Steve 

Okay, see, I thought I saved this post to comment on it but I’d like to bring up

The Minister would NEVER EVER disbelieve in Gerald White. He’d buy it hook line and sinker. The wizarding world would buy it hook line and sinker. The GOBLINS wouldn’t but wizards have been shown to be pretty blindingly clueless. Still, Gringotts would grudgingly give Sirius access to the Black fortune.

But, but, but, you know the one person

the one person

who Gerald White would drive AB-SO-LUTELY FUCKING BATSHIT?

Severus Snape.

Snape would do everything, EVERYTHING, to get people to believe that it’s Sirius. But the Order would ignore it (they accepted Sirius as Sirius before anyway) and Remus would just be so… so affronted.

‘Severus, he is my cousin.’

And Sirius would love it. He’d love the fact that Snape just hated it. He’d be the BEST DAMN GERALD WHITE EVER b/c Snape is doing everything from dropping veritaserum into his firewhisky to capturing a dementor in a box and releasing it on Sirius when he least expects it

That one causes problems for a bare minute because SHIT A DEMENTOR ATTEMPTED TO GIVE GERALD THE KISS MAYBE SNAPE IS RIGHT except Harry comes forward and is like ‘excuse me, I’ve never committed a crime and dementors are ALWAYS attacking me, I think they’re attracted to glasses’

and the magical community is like ‘shit, yeah, you’re right’

and just

Spare. Snape goes spare.

Picturing Snape as Mr. Crocker from the Fairly Oddparents now.

Gerald White eventually becomes a fully registered animagus. When he turns into his animagus form right in front of Snape, Snape’s bursting at the seams, just pointing at him and spluttering:

‘HE’S A BIG BLACK DOG! A DOG - THAT IS BLACK. SIRIUS BLACK. BLACK DOG DOG BLACK.’

And Remus calmly says: “That’s absurd, Severus. Sirius Black was never an animagus and besides which, people’s names don’t have any influence over their animagus forms or anything like that. That’s ridiculous.”

And Snape yells: “Shut it WEREWOLF MCWEREWOLF!”

Everyone looks at Remus, who blinks and sighs as Gerald White turns back into his human form.

“Pure coincidence,” Gerald says. “My aunt was into Roman mythology. Has to happen sometimes.” Then he pauses to give Snape an overly concerned look. “Are you alright, Severus? You’re looking a little red.”

legally-bitchtastic:

miracufic:

orevet:

completelyhogwashed:

pussypoppinlikepopcorn:

rafi-dangelo:

(Twitter)

President Velveeta plagiarized his inauguration cake.

A. Cake.

This is real life.

They took the man’s cake design like they are so low down

EVERYONE IS MISSING THE BEST GOSH DANG PART OF THIS STORY

image

THEY DONATED ALL THE PROFITS TO HRC!!

it’s cool that the bakery also gave a shoutout to the original cake designer

like they absolutely knew how shady this whole thing was and managed to handle it in the best way possible

Update on #cakegate.

So wait, someone in the 🍊 administration actually went to a bakery and was like “give us literally the exact same one as the Obamas had. Exactly the same.” Amazing.

thehistoryoftheladder:
“ aquarian-sunchild:
“ bloodyxbaroness:
“ downlo:
“ This excellent visual representation of that old scam, “trickle down economics”, has been all over Twitter recently.
”
And then the glass on top gets too big and too full and...

thehistoryoftheladder:

aquarian-sunchild:

bloodyxbaroness:

downlo:

This excellent visual representation of that old scam, “trickle down economics”, has been all over Twitter recently.

And then the glass on top gets too big and too full and all the other little glasses below it break and then they all shatter.

And the big glass blames the little glasses for not working hard enough to hold it up.

*SLAMS THE REBLOG BUTTON*

Coming into a fandom late

itssinwithagrin:

ferainart:

eriplier:

illogicalvoid:

inverted-mind-inc:

sageblackrose95:

jupiter235:

not-so-secret-nerd:

nerdsagainstfandomracism:

my-reylo:

street-of-mercy:

dj-killer:

221books:

valerieparker:

baxtersaurus:

mishstiel:

image

Coming into a fandom early and watching it become an angry clusterfuck

image

Being in a dormant fandom that suddenly comes alive again after a new book/movie

image

Don’t forget about those who come in the midst of a fandom war. 

image

Accuracy at its best

Being in a fandom and not even knowing there’s a war going on…

image

all of this shit…lol

When You’re Not In The Fandom But You’re Nosy AF

image

When you get into a fandom only to discover it’s dead

image

This gets better every time I see it. 

@fuboos-mess

Being in a dead fandom…

image

Originally posted by senilephilosophy

Or being in such a tiny fandom that it feels like youre the only one

image

The accuracy hurts.

When you’re in a fandom that got revived for a younger generation:

image

Originally posted by totalrecallvintage

Omg

shoggoth88:

mimosaeyes:

musicalluna:

sadfishkid:

mxlfoydraco:

a concept: Harry Potter with his mother’s hair and father’s eyes instead of vice versa.
Harry with fiery dark red hair and soft hazel eyes please and thank you

i imagine this is how harry and draco’s first meeting would have gone then haha

image


can you imagine how much more confused arthur would have been in that scene where he first meets harry 😂

his eyes would probably sweep right over harry at the breakfast table, and then he would freeze and have to do a mental tally of his children

I can see Fred and George really going with it too…

“Come on Dad, don’t you remember Harry?”
“Next you’ll tell us you don’t remember Craig”
“Or Ethel”
“Or Annie“
“Or Ryan”

curlicuecal:
“ curlicuecal:
“ mssticha:
“ adjectivebear:
“ zoinomiko:
“ themorninglark:
“ crollalanzaa:
“ italianbasilisk0317:
“ #fanficproblems
” ”
guys i can’t emphasise enough how important this is
please consider all of these factors facing...

curlicuecal:

curlicuecal:

mssticha:

adjectivebear:

zoinomiko:

themorninglark:

crollalanzaa:

italianbasilisk0317:

#fanficproblems

image

guys i can’t emphasise enough how important this is

please consider all of these factors facing fanfic writers, who are doing this for fun and no return whatsoever beyond the love of the thing. thank you.

Fixed.

image

Preach.

This just keeps getting more real. The truth hurts.

okay but has anyone considered

image

image

(disclaimer: I have no particular problem with any of the people in the thread above; I’m just nitpicky and easily amused.)

Okay, SO.  The main problem is that Venn Diagrams are used to contrast things and to look at the relationships among a list of items. 

The “writer’s problems” venn diagram above is really just a list of items, not an examination of their relationships. Wrong format.

Even the original “reader’s problem” diagram, which is looking at the relationships among items is being a bit sneaky, because while it is apparently highlighting the trade offs among three variables (plot, grammar, characterization) there is actually a stealth fourth variable (update frequency) referenced in the middle, which should actually be a fourth circle, or rather sphere, because once you go up to four variables you have to add another axis of variation and project the chart into 3 dimensions.

image

And there should still be a hypothetical center region that contains all four elements of the ideal fic, although possibly the joke is that it is undiscoverable with the aid of a microscope and the blessing of the fanfic gods.

But, right, that whole thing would turn out super confusing visually, so it’s probably just as well they did not start extrapolating wildly into the nth-dimension.

Okay, returning to the “writer’s problems”  venn diagram(s).  This is a list, so it doesn’t translate well to the medium being parodied.  Extra problem: it doesn’t really work as a rebuttal of the original?  This is because most of the points being addressed aren’t actually relevant to the original diagram and therefore don’t have parallels. (Whole aside here about how I find both the reader *and* writer problems diagrams funny, and in no way invalidating of each other.  I AM AT THE CENTER OF THE VENN DIAGRAM OVERLAPPING THESE PROBLEM SETS, OK.)

image

So, yeah. 

Option 1: Focus on the original post to allow a more direct satire/rebuttal. You could try to rework the first diagram by addressing each section of the original diagram point-by-point, but… eh.  That only really accounts for the education/language points addressing the grammar issues, and a couple of the points addressing the update frequency issue (which is an invisible axis of variation anyway, so really hard to wedge rebuttals to onto the diagram). And there’s no really good parallels for the “plot” or “characterization” issues except maybe…. “inability to create good plot” or “readers don’t agree with my characterization”.   Which.  Eh.  Maybe the rarepairs point? idek.  I don’t think this works.

Option 2: keep the points being made, abandon the format.  Make a bullet list!

Option 3: abandon the actual points being made, keep the format. For this, you need to narrow down a list of variables that interrelate and focus on the trade-offs writers face among them.  Or in other words, create a project triangle (”x, y, z: pick two”) , which is really what the first diagram is doing anyway.

In fact, let’s just make a triangle:

image

oooh, elegant.

or, okay, here, AN HONEST-TO-GOD VENN DIAGRAM, just for y’all:

image

TA DAH

(I made the invisible 4th axis ‘writing obscure topics’, my personal nemesis)

marauders4evr:

falsedetective:

airagorncharda:

brodingershat:

roachpatrol:

bogusjake:

you know what i want?? a representation of the seven deadly sins where for once lust isnt the only woman and is instead a horny friendzone dudebro

holy shit

A frat house of deadly sins:

Lust, the guy who hits on everyone regardless of whether or not they seem inclined to reciprocate, also known as the guy who considers his own pleasure the endgame of any encounter, consistently failing to give a shit about other people’s comfort or satisfaction;

Gluttony, the guy who overindulges in everything regardless of whether or not it was offered in moderation or offered out of politeness, also known as the guy who’s always high off other people’s weed and drunk off other people’s beer, consistently failing to respect the unspoken standards of politeness;

Greed, the guy who lays claim to every object of ambiguous origin left behind after a party, also known as the guy who hoards things he’s fully aware he’ll never use before they expire or will simply never use at all, consistently failing to demonstrate an awareness of the basic concept of sharing;

Sloth, the guy who only demonstrates any agency when the possibility of getting someone else to do his work for him arises, also known as the guy who will actually expend more energy trying to get out of making a basic effort than the basic effort itself would have required, consistently failing to do much of anything;

Wrath, the guy who finds a way to pick a fight with anyone nearby regardless of the circumstances, also known as the guy who’s formed an elaborate system of self-justifications to excuse his violent behaviours rather than attempt to curb his temper, consistently failing to take responsibility for his actions;

Envy, the only nice guy in the house, also known as the guy who thinks the world and everyone in it owes him something regardless of whether or not he’s done anything to deserve it, consistently failing to recognize that basic acts of human decency do not entitle him to the regard and attentions of others;

and Pride, the guy whose stories keep getting longer every time you hear them, also known as the guy who can’t stand not to be the centre of attention and who only starts conversations with others in the interests of talking about himself, consistently failing to take into account the fact that literally no one likes a person who feels compelled to engage everyone around them in constant games of self-congratulatory one-upmanship.

They are insiduous people, these frat brothers, primarily because you know people exactly like them and could never quite put your finger on why they’re so goddamned infuriating.

the sons of the white suburban moms of the apocalypse

the white suburban moms of the apocalypse:

war: stands up at the pta meeting to remind everyone evolution is just a theory and shouldn’t be taught in science class

famine: invited you over for dinner but everything’s vegan and gluten-free

pestilence: didn’t vaccinate her fucking kids and now the whole neighborhood’s got measles

death: on the way to sign her divorce papers and you just put regular instead of sugar-free syrup in her half-caf no whip caramel latte

The other ones are great but that last one…

Here you go:

It wasn’t your fault. Well, it was. Entirely. But you didn’t mean for anything bad to happen. Not really. You were tired. Aren’t we all? You were at the end of your shift. Your boss had forced you to work overtime for weeks. 

But Death wasn’t interested in your excuses.

Of course, at the time, she just seemed like the typical white suburban mother. She pulled up in her mini van, her yellow striped hair perfectly styled beneath her spotted sunglasses. She flung her Vera Bradley purse over her shoulder as she marched into the Starbucks. You can see the divorce papers sticking out. She wanted you to see. She wanted you to question them. 

But you had been working in retail far too long to care.

“Welcome to Starbucks,” you say. “Can I interest you in a sample of our new lemonade?”

“No,” she says briskly. “I would like a half-caf no whip caramel latte with sugar-free syrup.”

In your defense, you sucked out half the calories. You discarded the whip. But you were tired. You were tired of the mothers. You were tired of the hipster drinks that sounded like something right out of a Pintrest tag. You were tired. And perhaps just a bit mischievous. And so you grabbed the regular syrup. And you felt a bit of delight as you drizzled it on top of her otherwise perfect drink.

You handed it to her with a smile.

She handed you change with a cold indifference.

She made it three steps before she took a sip.

And that was when all hell broke loose.

Literally.

You watched as the ceramic tile split, revealing a chasm of lava. The expensive mugs for sale were dragged in, along with the radio playing the senselessly droning songs. You had just enough time to scream before you were sucked into the underworld, flames leaping in every direction, a chorus of demons singing. It was just another Tuesday really.

Maybe you shouldn’t have tried to spite the diabetic manifestation of death.

You tried to apologize. It was too late. Your fate had been sealed.

And now your story will be featured in a training video that will be used for decades, reminding all of the baristas that it doesn’t matter if you are serving the literal manifestation of death - if a customer asks you to make something sugar free, you do it, no matter how annoying they are, as it could quite literally be (wait for it) life or Death.

The different fanfic eras explained as lunch

thecoffeetragedy:

annachibi:

roachpatrol:

berlynn-wohl:

Pre-internet era: You walk into a room and sit down at a table. Someone brings you a turkey sandwich, a bag of potato chips, and a soda. Perhaps you are a vegetarian, or gluten-free. Doesn’t matter; you get a turkey sandwich, a bag of potato chips, and a soda.

Usenet era: You walk into a room and sit down to your turkey sandwich, a bag of potato chips, and a soda. Someone tells you that over at the University they are also serving BLTs, pizza, coffee, and beer.

Web 1.0 (aka The Great Schism): You walk into a room. The room is lined with 50 unmarked doors. Someone tells you, “We have enough food to feed you and a hundred more…but we’ve scattered it behind these fifty doors. Good luck!”

Web 2.0 (present): You walk into a room. Someone points at the buffet and says, “Enjoy!” You turn to see a 100-foot-long buffet table, piled high with every kind of food imaginable. To be fair, some of the food is durian, head cheese, and chilled monkey brains, but that’s cool, some people are into those…and trust me, they are even more psyched to be here than you are.

Tumblr (a hell pit): You try to serve yourself a baked potato. An angry child runs up and slaps the plate out of your hand. “NIGHTSHADE PLANTS ARE POISONOUS,” the child yells. You are hungry. The child gives you a turkey sandwich, a bag of potato chips, and a kick on the shin.

AO3: You walk into a room, rubbing your shin and holding your turkey sandwich and potato chips. It is almost the same as the Web 2.0 room but everything is neatly labeled. There is new food coming in all the time. A few people are helping to expand the room to make space for it and all the guests. As long as they are supported, you will never go hungry again.

but also AO3: you want a turkey sandwich with tomato. There is a table filled with turkey sandwiches labelled ‘with tomato’. You take one. No tomato. You throw it away and take another. Still no tomato. The next one still has no tomato, but it has pickles in it, even though it wasn’t labelled (and you hate pickles). There’s a couple with tomatoes in the bottom. You’ll have to taste every sandwich to find them, though. You give up. (Still can’t complain, though, the sandwiches were available for free.)