WHO SAID IT WAS OK TO POST SOMETHING THIS HORRIBLE!??!??
My first reaction was ‘Nice thought but there’s no way, Coulson is much younger than…’ and then I stopped mid-thought.
Because you know what.
You know what.
After Steve, the US government had to keep trying to recreate the Super-Soldier Serum.
And who
and who
would be the FIRST DAMN PERSON IN LINE to volunteer?
They told us it never worked again. And that was kind of true. They never again recreated the super-strength or the gleaming pecs. But other things, they got right. They got the vastly delayed aging. And the kind of reflexes that make a man able to take out two armed thugs with a bag of flour. And the talent for leading through example. And they got the most important part, Erskine’s favorite part: the magnification of moral fiber, taking the loyalty and selflessness of a loyal and selfless man and making him into something spectacular.
I hate in the MCU or anything when the aliens or whatever are attacking and everyone’s just ‘oh yeah we be chilling just cowering over here’ as if seventy percent of humanity isn’t really angry all the time like catch these hands motherfucker I’ve bitten people for trying to steal my chips you think you can just steal my whole fucking planet YEET HERE COME MY TEETH film people be using responses to natural disasters but I promise if human sized things came to throw down humanity would be ready to fuck them up like yeah you got laser guns I got this dope ass stick I just found let’s go you ugly fuck
silentwalrus1: #yeah bicht!!!!!!#gimme the battle of new york with fuckin chitauri comin down and the shift manager of the times sq H&M has finally had Enough#Tracie bout to kill this alien with a traffic cone#’ JUST PRETEND THEY’RE TOURISTS’ she screams choking out goddamn Lizard Lite with her lanyard#10 feet away a park slope mom is beating an alien to death with her four year old’s knockoff eco friendly razr scooter#every single retail employee gets ten years’ worth of therapy in one day#captain america’s kill count: 83 aliens#kathleen from accounting: 94 and also her boss
that guy’s phone in the first panel became more high tech in tony stark’s presence
I am laughing so fucking hard
oh my god how did I miss that
omfg
tony stark literally upgraded a flip phone to a smartphone by being within three feet of it
People pass their old technology close to him for his blessing and lo! It is upgraded. The miracle of the flip into the smart shall be told unto the ages.
I love how instead of just calling this a continuity error, the whole fandom decided “No, he literally upgraded the phone with his mere presence.”
Never change, guys.
assembling Avengers and (yet another of) Loki’s master plans
The thing is, whether Loki is the villain you love or the villain you love to hate (or just hate), there are two things about him that nearly everyone seems to agree on. One, Tom Hiddleston makes an awesomely compelling supervillain; and two, Loki’s apparent masterplan in The Avengers makes no damn sense.
While Loki is definitely not rowing with all oars in the water, he still is enough on the ball to face off against all the Avengers and hold his own against most of them, and spout dramatic speeches while doing so. He comes across as scheming and manipulative, but his manipulations are baffling. According to his various monologues, his self-stated goal is to rule Earth, to save humanity from itself under his evil benevolent reign as supreme high king and make goat-horns an obligatory fashion statement.
To do this he calls down an alien army on New York City (notably not the capital of anything) and proceeds to wreck the place, while making no demands of any sort, no “Surrender this planet to me or else”; and not sending his army beyond the city limits. He also makes a big production of riling up the Avengers, ostensibly so he can utterly crush them in the final showdown; only most of his last act face-offs with them are out of the public eye. None of this seems like a feasible way to achieve world domination.
There’s also the whole thing that back at the end of the Thor movie, Loki specifically tells Thor, “I never wanted to rule, I only wanted to be your equal,” and he had not the slightest interest in Midgard. So his new obsession with ruling Earth is either to piss off Thor (maybe by showing he’s a better king?) or…something else entirely is going on.
The two primary theories I’ve seen explaining what the heck Loki is doing are that he was to some degree under the Chitauri’s mind control same as Hawkeye and Selvig; or that the whole Earth invasion was really a Xanatos gambit for Loki to get taken back to Asgard so he could go treasure-hunting. There’s quite a lot of evidence for the former theory, while the latter is especially appealing because it’s in keeping with comics!Loki’s master manipulator skills. But one of the things that makes Loki a fun supervillain is that at any given time he always has half a dozen different motivations, and while he might’ve been a bit brainwashed, and getting back to Asgard was probably his goal at the end, we think he was working on a different project for most of the movie.
Namely, the annihilation of the Chitauri army.
At the end of Thor, Loki falls off the Bifrost, but not to his death - somehow he ends up on Earth (or at least is magically projecting himself to Earth) where he induces Erik Selvig to get involved with SHIELD’s work on the Tesseract. However, Loki is not the only one after the cube; it’s also an interest of Thanos, the big bad revealed at the end of The Avengers, and the power behind the Chitauri. Somehow between Thor andThe Avengers, maybe because of that mutual interest, Loki falls in with Thanos and the Chitauri. And given how strung-out he looks at the beginning of the movie, it wasn’t a fun time.
Loki’s partnership with the Chitauri seems fraught. While he supposedly commands their army, when he talks to their upper management they insult and threaten him - “You think you know pain? He will make you long for something sweet as pain” and end their chat with a psychic bitchslap that probably would’ve broken a mortal’s neck.
From that interaction, it’s not too far a stretch to suppose that the Chitauri have a hold on Loki - it could be a mental influence; it could as easily be the threat of death. If they can smack him around long-distance, it’s possible they could actually kill him at any time. Considering they can contact him, they can probably watch him as well (in the final invasion Loki summons the second wave just by murmuring for it, no radio in sight). They know Loki is a tricky bastard; they’re keeping him on a tight leash.
A leash Loki wants out of. “Freedom is life’s great lie,” he says, but that’s his greatest lie; as a trickster, freedom is what Loki values above all else. He’s mouthing the Chitauri/the Tesseract’s platitudes to convince them he’s drunk the kool-aid and is on their side. Meanwhile Loki is doing everything he can to set up the Chitauri’s ultimate demise, both to be free of them and as payback. His plan is pretty straightforward: get together a force strong enough to fight the Chitauri, and then summon his alien army and watch them get wiped out.
Loki wanted the Avengers to assemble. In particular, Loki wanted the Hulk - how he found out about Bruce Banner’s condition is unclear, but he obviously believes the Hulk is powerful enough to take on his enemies. To that end, after stealing the Tesseract and starting on constructing the portal, he arranges to get himself captured and taken to SHIELD, all for the purpose of activating the Hulk. This is confirmed as Loki’s purpose, except why he wants the Hulk awakened isn’t clear - if he just wanted the Hulk to take out SHIELD, why doesn’t he do more himself to take them down?
Loki’s under a serious limitation; he can’t openly explain his plan or his problem to the heroes, because if the Chitauri get so much as a hint that he’s working at cross-purposes, they can instantly gank him. So he’s got to play the part of the megalomaniacal villain, crazy enough that the Chitauri don’t question his more questionable actions. Such as letting his most dangerous supposed enemies live.
Loki repeatedly has the chance to kill various Avengers, but fails to do so, even though he has no problems killing non-superheroes. Despite what Fury says, Loki doesn’t really seem to enjoy killing so much as just not care about it one way or another; regular humans are only a means to his end. He brutally kills(???) Coulson in front of Thor for the same reason that Fury later uses Coulson’s death for - as motivation to get the Avengers to come after him, and more importantly, come after his army. On the other hand, when he confronts Tony Stark at the end (“And you’ve pissed off all of them.” “That was the plan.”), Loki first tries to scepter-possess him; when that doesn’t work, he grabs Tony and throws him out the window - rather than just stabbing him, or snapping his neck, or any of a dozen other ways he easily could’ve taken him out. Throwing Tony out the window was a test: either he’d somehow survive the fall (and therefore would prove himself strong enough to be useful in the coming fight) or else he’d be useless and die, in which case the other Avengers would be that much more pissed off and eager to take care of Loki’s Chitauri problem.
(It’s possible that Loki is cranky with Tony for another reason. He picked Stark Tower as his base of operations for several reasons, not least of which being it was the most obvious place in the world to get the Avengers to come find him, even if he couldn’t tell them outright where he was located. But also, as Stark’s “castle”, Loki might have been assuming it to be one of the better-defended places on the planet, somewhere most able to fend off an alien invasion. He might even have assumed that Tony would have some safeguards to protect the local population (or maybe not; they are just mortals). (Either way, the question of why the hell Tony (and SHIELD) didn’t call for Manhattan to be evacuated as soon as they figured out it was Chitauri Ground Zero is going to irritate me until the end of time…))
Loki also might be trying to indirectly explain himself to Thor. On their conversation on the cliff-top, Loki keeps saying things that Thor knowsaren’t true (such as that Thor threw him off the Bifrost, rather than Loki choosing to let go; and repeating his claims about wanting to rule even though in their last conversation Loki outright told Thor he didn’t want that). Maybe he’s trying to get Thor to figure out for himself that something is wrong, and his rising temper is impatience that Thor is not getting it (not until right at the end, when Iron Man so rudely interrupts.) At their confrontation on Stark Tower, Loki is close enough to kill or at least seriously injure Thor, but instead gives him a little stab in the side with a tiny knife that does no apparent damage - he doesn’t want Thor out of the battle. In fact, dropping Thor out of the SHIELD airship, though he claims is an attempt to kill Thor, was likely the opposite - the airship was going down, and Loki didn’t want one of his key fighters to be blown up or stuck on the bottom of the ocean.
Then there’s the scepter. It’s definitely a major power boost, but it’s the Chitauri’s, not Loki’s. Is the scepter in fact Loki’s leash? We know it can influence moods as well as mind-control; it might be exerting pressure on Loki, if not to the extent it does on mortals. And the Chitauri might’ve warned him not to try to toss it. In which case that’s another advantage to getting himself caught by SHIELD - it gives him a perfectly logical reason to be separated from the scepter as much as possible.
Meanwhile Erik Selvig, even under mind control, manages to build a backdoor into his Tesseract-powered portal-opener. Or was that really his idea? Loki had mental influence over Selvig at the end of Thor. Perhaps he maintained that influence, even when Selvig was being controlled by the Chitauri’s scepter. Selvig’s backdoor would be very useful for Loki - it uses the scepter to close the portal, and apparently destroys its power in the doing (in the end, Natasha has the scepter, but its light has gone out.) Loki’s plan all along might have been that once the Chitauri were taken out, he would close the portal with the scepter, destroying Thanos’s hold on him, and then grab the Tesseract for himself and abscond.
Which might have gone great, if Loki hadn’t slightly miscalculated just how hard the Hulk can smash.
Still, the majority of his plan is a complete success - the Chitauri are defeated, the scepter is destroyed, and Loki himself is alive and intact and - along with the Tesseract - getting taken back to Asgard, which of anywhere in the universe is probably the safest place to be when a pissed-off Thanos is coming for you. No wonder he’s in the mood to celebrate at the end (and that may be the scene that gives the most evidence thatsomething is going on with Loki beyond the obvious, because his relaxed little shrug of resignation is completely unlike his manically malicious attitude in the rest of the movie; he’s like a different person, once the heat is finally off.)
Now all Loki needs to do once he’s back on Asgard is get out of his gag and chains, grab the Tesseract and maybe the Infinity Gauntlet while he’s at it, and then, having obtained ultimate power, make like a proper Loki and do what he wants. Probably take out Thanos, take over some realm or other just ‘cuz, and then take a long nap. And maybe stop by the new Avengers tower to take Tony up on that drink…
What struck me in ‘the Avengers’ is how cleverly Loki adjusted his schpiel to whoever of the ‘heroes’ he encountered.
First, he ‘recruits’ Hawkeye and gets all the info he wants about ‘who are the mightiest heroes on this Realm’. Barton would’ve told him all about the Avengers Initiative. About Fury, who had climbed from the ranks, having grown up during the Civil Rights period. Stark, the clever one who could fly. The Soldier Out of Time, who, in his own timeline, just fought a war against would-be world conquerer from Germany with a penchant for certain kind of public speeches. Banner who could turn into the Hulk but who was afraid of his own inner monster. And the Spider who fought battles by letting stupid misogynist men believe she was weak because she was a woman.
And guess how he approaches each and every one of them.
First he pops up in Germany and pointedly walks smirking in front of every camera. He all but waves ‘hello, here I am’ to SHIELD. Then, he makes a weird speech about how much Üntermensch mortals are, who would be better off with a Führer like him and possilby looks delighted when his honeytrap lured in ‘the Soldier’. They fight. Stark arrives on the scene by flight and shows some stuff and Loki ‘surrenders’. Later he sees what these two can do when they get attacked by Thor and not only survive this force of nature given flesh, but prevail against him. Yes, Loki knows how to pick ’m!
He makes that ‘boot-ant’ analogy to Fury, knowing it will certainly enrage a man like Fury and then suddenly plays the misogynist mad would-be rapist for Romanov, setting her up to trigger Banner into Hulking out. Loki now knows exactly the potential of all his pawns.
Now, all his schpiels are not just tailored to each of the Avengers to enrage them, but they are also exactly what each of them believe a powermad world-conquerer would say. If you were to ask Steve Rogers how an man bend on world domination would act, he would say, ‘he would make speeches about how he and his people deserved to rule over others for the greater good of humanity’, and Loki gave him exactly that. If you were to ask Fury what an alien overlord would think of the humans he wanted to conquer, Fury would no doubt say something like, ‘he probably thinks we are just ants to crush under his boots’. If someone were to ask Romanov what a typical conquerer would think of her, she would say ‘he would underestimate me, just as every man I’ve ever encountered, think me a weak woman, threaten me with rape and the murder of my loved ones and that will make him my plaything because I will play him like a violin’.
Loki tested each of the Avengers and prodded and antagonised them so they would form the fighting force to take on the Chitauri.
The only person whom he didn’t manipulate was Tony Stark. Barton has told him all about Stark, and he knows that Stark is too clever to be manipulated like the others but more importantly, Barton has told him how Stark bucks any authority, how he does not play well with others, how he will question everything, and the Chitauri are chomping on their bits, waiting to be let in. Easier to directly take over Stark’s mind for a bit and just order him to do what he must do, and when that fails he throws Stark through a window, disgusted. Not to Stark’s death, of course. Loki knows that the man can fly, after all. He has seen the man fly. He might not know the exact science behind Starks abilities, but it’s quite aparant to him that he can fly (and if he can’t save himself from Loki he is useless against the Chitauri anyway and Loki is running out of time - if he can’t control Tony and Tony can’t safe himself, then at least his possible death might be the last thing needed to cement the Avengers against Loki!)
And so the stage is set. The only way Loki’s actions make any sense is if he was actively trying to get the Avengers to fight him (and the Chitauri). Even his choice for New York for the portal becomes obvious; New York is where the Avengers are. If he had opened a portal above Antartica, or China, would the Avengers rush there to defend the planet? Maybe. But New York is the home town for two of the most formidable members, and if anything, they would rise to protect their home town, right?